Over the past 3 years I have been rendered almost paralyzed, not physically but emotionally when it comes to creating. My studio sits with so much potential but I am withdrawn. My last painting I created was February of 2020, just before the pandemic arrived and my first ever art exhibition was to happen.
Often times I wonder if it is the fear of being locked down again or being deprived of healthy interaction and limited inspiration. So much had happened during that time that pulled me away from being able to create. None of this is an excuse but simply where I have been mentally and emotionally I believe. There is a fear now of making a mark and it is rediculous as I type these words from an intellectual perspective, but may be by formally recognizing this and make it public is what is required of me to be able to overcome this paralysis.
Creativity is so vital to who I am, yet like excersie and self-improvememnt it is the first thing to be overlooked in my world when it should be the first thing I do in a day. Reflecting on my happiest days, this is exactly how I functioned, so what changed? The overall theme as I reflect through everything is the love for those around me out weights the love and value I have for myself. This type of thinking and prioritzing is exactly how creative people become paralyized from what makes them happy.
Shifting from recognizing the issue to overcoming is often times the most challenging aspect for a lot of things. What I have been doing is building a schedule for myself starting with excercise. I have a large dog named Scully and he is the best life coach for me, always wanting to go for a walk. Each day I am successful for meeting my goal steps but this isn't the excercise my body is needing. So I have begun starting out by scheduling a 6 day work out with only one excercise, four sets of 15 reps. Compared to where I was this is nothing, but it is 100% more than I have been doing in the past 20 years. It is about building up a routine and mentallity that matters to improving me.
Second part of my schedule has been dedicated to spending time with God. God time is so important because I feel lost and require guidance. In my belief who else would be a better guide than the God I love.
Third aspect is being in my creative space. Currently like my basic workout, it is about prepping my studio and getting comfortable again being in that space. The plan this week is a combination of taking inventory, organizing and pulling out a sketch book and playing around.
Play is something that has been missing from my life for a very long time now. I am not even sure the last time I truly had fun. Without fun how can you invite inspiration into your life? Normally I shut the world out, often times my dad would joke that I am heading back into my cave to solve another problem so we probably won't seem him for a few weeks now. This is true, I often would shut the world out but that hasn't served me well. This time I am delibertly ensuring that I surround myself with those in my life that are uplifting and using our multiple minds to keep accountable with and expand some creative, and playful areas in my life so that the creativity starts to flow again because I have found inspriration.
None of this will instantly improve my life, but the consistancy over a longer period of time certainly will. My muscles are already stiff from my two basic days of being downstairs in my gym, but that is growth and eventually this feeling will feel amazing. Now currently I must start gently so that I build up to who I am suspose to be. None of the people I admire who have achieved amazing things in life jumped into their discilpline with both feet and were successful, it is all a long journey with small manageable goals and check points with constant reevaluation. Today will be the first day in my studio specidically for me and not for someone else who needs something creative from me. It is a check point to see how much work I need to do to start living a more authentic life for me.
Next will be working on building towards a vision for myself, something I have never seriously done.
